So I went in today.I had myself so worked up I had to stop at the chemist and buy myself some rescue remedy before i even went up the stairs.
She got me all stirruped up, spent ages poking around and having a look and then came and put her hand on my leg and said.."I have to tell you, your cervix....................."*heart stops, mouth goes dry, wee runs down leg (or up leg as it were)*....Looks absolutely perfect!!
Gotta love a gyno that likes to build a bit of suspense
Anyway, she didn't even bother wanting a biopsy as there was nothing to hack out. Apparantly cervical cells change all the time and this is normal and healthy but I have an unusually large patch of these cells and the PAP must have been done while they were on the change.
I am so goddamn relieved, I had to have several cigs before I could drive and my hands were shaking for ages afterwards. I am such a geek.I have to make a dentist appointment soon so stay tuned for the next installment of "Australian Drama Queen"
I have recently been very fortunate to be reunited with my huge extended family overseas.
Thanks to the internet (more importantly facebook!) I was found by one of my cousins and am now in regular contact with a huge array of rellies that I haven't seen since I was 12 or so.
It amazes me how much I have in common with these guys, genetics aside, we have grown up on completely differant continents and had virtually no contact but I find myself giggling at their status updates, marvelling over their photos and suprising myself with the values and ideas I seem to share with many of them.
I guess this must be a little bit like what an adopted child feels when they meet their birth families for the first time. Most of my cousins have grown up knowing each other, spending holidays and family events together while my brother and I were on the other side of the world, just us on our lonesome! We knew we had this huge tribe of people in the USA and England but didn't know them at all.
Now I just have to start saving (really really hard), I so want to get over there and meet them all and say Kia Ora Cuzzie! :p
Nothing on tv was interesting, I didn't want to read, didn't want to be on the computer. I just didn't know what to do with myself.
I went to bed and lay in the dark for hours and hours.
I had my hand on my stomach and worried and wondered and questioned.
Could this cervix that had bore me two children with no problems, that WORKED properly, be about to make my world come crashing down? The words 'high grade squamous lesion' played over and over in my head like a stuck record.
Did you know squamous means scaley? Who knew? I thought it meant cancerous but no, it just means scaly. Like a lizard or a dragon or a snake.
I said to my husband last night that Im so glad its me. That I would take the worst case scenario as long as the universe keeps up its side of the bargain and my daughter never has another health problem until she is an old woman.
As I lay in bed I also started thinking bizarre thoughts like..I want to move house. Ever since we have been married and moved into this house our family has had health problems. Between my daughter, my husband and now me, its been a rollercoaster for the last few years. Yep, if I move house it will change everything :p
I am refusing to talk to anyone about it. My Mum rings me with a false sing song cheer in her voice and it makes me want to bawl. Its 5 weeks until the colposcopy and then probably a couple of weeks until I get the results back.
I KNOW I'm being obsessive and ridiculous. I am sure everything will be fine.
But lying awake at night, not being able to switch of my mind, I cant help the thoughts that pop into my head.
Hmm, they are not words you want your GP telling you when you go to get your results for your lady tests.
Ya know, google is not always a good thing. I have spent most of this morning ignoring my kids and FREAKING the fuck out about cervical cancer after searching for the above terms.
I am sure I am fine. I will go for the colposcopy and it will come back A-OK. But jesus tap dancing christ, I was shocked to hear my lovely doctor tell me those words. You just dont expect to hear them right?
So now I have to wait until the 22nd of sep to go have another dr staring up places that no person should be staring up. After two kids, you would think I would be over having people stare up my clacker but I still find it incredibly violating and cringe worthy.
In the meantime, I have a trip to the Gold Coast planned to take my mind of it. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me will ya?
I cant help it but I am seriously worried about stupid old swine flu.
Having a child that has seizures at even a whiff of a fever is making me turn into an anxious, hand wringing old worry wart.
I yell at the kids if they touch the handrail on the escalators..."are you CRAZY?? Swine flu, swine flu!!". Sure, they might fall and crack open their skulls by not hanging on but at least they aint going to get it.
I have wipes, hand sanitizer, bleach and full body suits in my handbag..well, maybe not the bodysuits but only because they wont fit.
Fuck you swine flu, why did you have to give me grey hair and stomach ulcers?
One of my earliest memories is sifting through my grandmothers jewellery box and oohing and aahing over its sparkling delights!
My own style is now somewhat different to the extravagant pieces I coveted so long ago but my fascination with all things fabulous is as strong as ever.
I love working with gemstones and the gorgeous colours, shapes and textures they provide and combining these with glass, metal and crystal for unusual and unique one off designs.